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How Your Relationship Effects Everyone Around You!

Psalm 3:2-6

Many are saying of me, "God will not deliver him."

"Selah” But you are a shield around me, O

LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the

LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy

hill. "Selah” I lie down and sleep; I wake again,

because the LORD sustains me. I will not fear the tens of

thousands drawn up against me on every side.

"Many of us who have been in an abusive

relationship had no idea how our relationship

deeply effected everyone around us. We had all

kinds of excuses for our abuser, and we had all

kinds if reasons why we stayed, but we did not

realize the damage or have an excuse for what it

was doing to our loved ones and our children."

BJ Pons



I had no idea that when I was going through my

struggle in my marriage that my mother was staying

up nights praying for my safety or that she was

having nightmares of someone finding me dead. I

lived across the country and she really had no way

of checking up on me so all she could do was pray

and trust that God was taking care of me. I was so

surprised after I was up on my feet and living life

again how much people really saw from the outside.

I thought I was so clever at hiding the pain, and

angry words. I thought I was hiding the abusiveness

with my very well thought out excuses, but you can’t

hide the obvious. At first it can be easy to hide

because no patterns have been set but slowly it

begins to get harder to cover these things up. My

relationship even reached out to my brothers in a

way that I had never thought of. I am the youngest

girl of three and child number 7 out of eight children.

So I had no idea that as the baby girl they wanted to

protect me and couldn’t. They felt powerless as men

to help their baby sister. They also knew the

struggle that our mother was going through at the

time and it bothered them that they could not help

her by helping me. A few of them had even

considered coming to rescue me by force but thank

God my mother’s prayers kept that from happening.

I was so caught up in my own little world that I didn’t

realize I was causing them to struggle. It was as if

they were caught up in the abuse themselves. I also

realized that it was affecting the few friends I had

left. They were so uncomfortable with how I was

treated and spoken to, that they finally stopped

coming around. The most important people that my

relationship affected were my children. I worked

hard making the home an environment where they

felt safe and loved but by not seeking help I was

fostering a secretive hostile environment. Most of

the time they did know they were loved but they still

heard the arguments, and witnessed their father call

me stupid and other derogatory names. They never

saw much in the way of affection between us, just

hostility. Because of prayer, my children are not

dysfunctional but I do believe their ideas on love and

marriage have been skewed by what they saw.

If you are in an abusive relationship, please

understand that it can change: there is hope.

In Ezekiel 36:26-27 it says, “A new heart also will I

give you, and a new spirit will I put within you:

and I will take away the stony heart out of your

flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh. And I

will put my spirit within you, and cause you to

walk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my

judgments, and do them.”(KJV)

I believe I said it in my last article that you cannot

get help for a problem unless you admit that there is

one. Don’t sit back and say, “Well this is just how it

is. I just have to accept it and make the best of it.”

That is the very thing Satan wants you to do. If he

can keep you from doing something about it, he can

ruin the lives of you and your spouse and he can

affect the lives of those connected to you. Seek help

immediately from your Pastor or Pastor’s wife. It’s

time to fight back and let Satan know he can’t have

your family. Pray over your children. As you walk

through the journey of finding refuge from this

relationship, God will preserve your children as he

did mine.

Isaiah 49:25 “But thus says the Lord: Even the

captives of the mighty shall be taken away, And

the prey of the terrible be delivered; For I will

contend with him who contends with you, And I

will save your children.

Don’t give up. God is well able to do the impossible,

but if for some reason your situation can’t be

mended, know that God has a future for you!! He

has great things in store. You can make it!!

More Signs

1. Control and Domination.

• They may control your money and your spending.

• They may treat you as an inferior person.

• They may make you feel small by reminding you of your faults and shortcomings.

• They may make you feel as though they're always right, and you're always wrong.

• You may feel the need to "get permission" for every thing you do, or decision you have to


• They may give you disapproving, or condescending looks and comments.

• They may "chastise" you, and treat you like a child.

• They may control where you go, who you interact with, and/or

what you do.

• They're excessively possessive and jealous.

2. Isolation and Neglect.

• They may have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions.

Instead, they deflect the blame onto you.

• They may have no regard for, and no interest in, the way you


• They may use "the silent treatment" to punish you.

• They may withdraw affection from you to punish you.

• They may become deliberately emotionally distant from you for

long periods of time.

• They purposely neglect to share important pieces of information

with you.

• They may neglect to give you privacy, or purposely disrespect

your boundaries.

3. Bullying and Humiliation.

• They may call you names, or label you.

• They may belittle your success and triumphs.

• They may mock, impersonate or otherwise talk to you in sarcastic ways.

• They may accuse you of things that you never did.

• They may degrade or subtly humiliate you in front of other people.

• They may frequently make jokes at your own expense.

• You may feel intimidated or scared when voicing an


Your Abusive Relationship Does Not Just Affect You.

Some effects that can be a result of our abusive relationship for our

children are

• Behavioral Problems

• Experienced or Perpetrated Teen dating violence

• Emotional Problems

• Depression

• Anger

• Bitterness

• Become Abusers

• Marry Abusers

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